oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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