I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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