he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
