I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize