i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
