Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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