why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
