were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Randomize
