Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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