Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize