I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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