No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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