I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
