TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize