they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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