Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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