Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
