Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize