So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
