youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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