does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
