i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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