Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
