I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
