he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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