You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
