I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
