haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
