So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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