I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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