i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
