Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Randomize
