I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She bit a glass in half.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
