your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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