So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
