i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I party with great urgency now.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
