Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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