Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
