I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
