i may or may not be watching the land before time
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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