And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
This is the high leading the old right now
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
