I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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