I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Randomize
