did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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