Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
