one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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