Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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