I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
