Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize