I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
