I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
