If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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