Someone shit on the floor
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize