Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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