Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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