The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
