..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
