finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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