The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
