I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
