Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I checked into jail on foursquare
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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