the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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