we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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