Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
