Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
