I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
