Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
