Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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