I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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