He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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