I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize